Everyone remembers their first true love and how it started and ended. What’s your story?
I met this guy at a car wash and he got my number and we went to his apt. the first time we hung out and he was making cape codders and I got trashed and threw up all over the place but he took care of me and from there we started what would be almost a 4 yr relationship. He was my first true love and to this day I hate myself for fuck%^& it up. He was amazing and romantic. Every year on our anniversary he would take me to the same restaurant and before we would go we would stop at the same clothing store and get new outfits, it was a lot of fun. We did EVERYTHING together, we were 2 peas in a pod, best friends. I guess you could say that I am the type of person who gets a good thing a screws it up everytime. I can usually get over my mistakes but this one I never did. I can’t stop thinking about it and it has been awhile. I have tried to fill the void with everything but the pain is still there. There is so much more to it but that is all I am going to share.
Is it really possible to still love you? I am obsessed with the thoughts and memories. Memories so sharp they leave me bleeding. What have I done, why did I do it. The biggest mistake I have ever made. I am unable to heal this pain, I am haunted by the memories. There lays my heart all broken and torn, I mourn so much. I try to repress in my mind all the images, they are leaving me blind. It is too late to turn back time, so why am I stuck not able to move forward, trying to fill this void, I wish this was over. It has been so long, I try to forget but I can’t. Was that true love that I gave away. I will never know, but why can’t I forget. I want to forget, I want to heal, I don’t want these memories and what might have beens, take them back, I need to mend my broken soul. This hurt and ache, hope and wait has left me as an internal roamer, lost. Never ending regret, yet the world moves on, but why can’t mine? The garden gate still swings, the birds still sing. Forget me not. My nights are so long, my days drag on, what is the purpose for all of this when there is no bliss. I miss you like the deserts miss the rain, I feel so much pain and nothing can make it better or disappear. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind can take your memories and rewind to before you knew them, the person you ache for, why can’t I have that, I need it more. This pain is so powerful, it feels like a knife cutting me inside. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about you and what might be, make it go away, make it stop, it is too much for me. Memories on repeat
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